Monday, April 30, 2007

Amazing Psychic Powers!

Now that we’ve all made it through another exciting, exhausting experience of watching the NFL Draft on TV, it’s good to step back, take a deep breath and analyze what we’ve learned.

The first comment Packers Literary Corner would like to make is respectfully submitted to fans who went to the Lambeau Field Atrium to watch the festivities: Perhaps next year they could refrain from booing our General Manager, Ted Thompson. There are several reasons we’d advise this, first being health concerns. Don’t wear yourself out booing the people who are on our side. Conserve your energy for when you will need to boo the loudest: when teams such as the Eagles, Bears and Vikings visit Lambeau Field this fall. Suppose your tickets are behind the opposing team’s bench. You’d hate to not have the strength to tell Rex Grossman what you thought of his performance in the Super Bowl, because you wore yourself out on Draft Day.

Pace yourselves, Packer People. It’s a long season.

Another reason is simple politeness. Most people around the NFL think Ted Thompson is an excellent judge of talent. Lambeau Field is Ted Thompson’s office. Suppose you walked into work and got booed each day. It might cause you to begin sending your resume to other potential employers. The most vocal of the Ted Thompson haters in the chat rooms and message boards might consider the possibility that if he leaves, his replacement could be much worse. The General Manager can only find the players, remember. He can’t teach them to come together and play as a team. Or to hold onto the football. Or to not throw interceptions. Or to not appear like confused roosters when attempting to play pass defense.

Now on to the thing that really amazes me about the NFL Draft, how the television networks, including ESPN and the NFL Network, manage to hire commentators and analysts all of whom have psychic powers. Where do they find such gifted people? I mean, no more than ten seconds after a player is picked, these TV Sports Psychics know whether that player’s career in the NFL will be a success. They can see five, ten years into the future! Not only that, prior to the pick being made, they know who should be picked. And after the pick is made, they know who should have been picked instead of the pick the team made. They know who will be the best players in next year’s Draft before this year’s draft is even concluded. It’s astonishing!

I used to think it was just a Mel Kiper Phenomenon, that his enormous dome of hair was some sort of clever concealment for an enlarged cranium, guarding a brain of truly amazing proportions. No, even the boys slowly going bald, like Chris Berman and Rich Eisen, have these psychic powers as well, as do the women covering the Draft like Suzy Kolber, whose hair styles change more often than the Dolphins switch quarterbacks. It’s not the hair at all. These are just superior beings.

Frankly, these people’s talents are being wasted on something as mundane as the NFL Draft. Mega-brains like these need to be applied to more challenging scientific issues like developing alternative energy sources and combating global warming.

And it ruins things for the fans, when it turns out it really doesn’t matter what we think might happen in the Draft. The TV Sports Psychics have computed all the answers before our primitive, feeble little fan brains can even crank into gear. I guess there is no need to subscribe to all those publications with Pre-Draft information and attempt to make our own predictions of whom the Packers might draft. The TV Sports Psychics know who Ted Thompson will select prior to Ted even knowing himself. And if Ted doesn’t pick who they think he should have picked, he has only himself to blame.

Amazing stuff!

4 comments:

Coby DuBose said...

How much would you pay to see Mel Kiper and Todd McShay duke it out? I think it could be a big money event.

In all honesty, the ESPN talking heads are a high form of comedy these days. It's not really their fault, though. I imagine it's tough being put in front of a camera for 8 hours and told to entertain.

Maybe the Ted Thompson haters would like to have Mel Kiper as GM? Now there's an idea!

Mike said...

I like your comment about the booing, we really do not need to boo our own players/coaches/owners, if you think about it it does not help us at all, it may in-fact hurt us

Casey said...

Continuing from what Mike said, yes it will only make the fans look bad, and if you break the team's spirit now, they are going to break your's right back during the season.

Rajbir Singh said...

Sad but true, that our obsession with the game has churned out lots of commentators and analysts that have these sorts of psychic powers. Surprising such people have short memory too and are quick to explain the result even if it goes against their prediction.