Sunday, June 17, 2007

Say No to Thugs! Part III: More solutions

In the last part of our series on how NFL players can avoid getting into trouble with various law enforcement agencies, we take a look at causes and solutions for:

3) Weapons violations. Athletes seem to frequently have guns in their vehicles, sometimes several guns, when they are stopped by police. Some even have a cache of unusual and potentially illegal weapons in their home. Is there some reason NFL players feel less safe than the rest of us? I don’t own a gun, for example, and I sleep soundly at night. I have all the home security I need, courtesy of my trusty dogs.

By the way, my dogs love watching NFL football on TV; they run around merrily barking every time Brett Favre throws a touchdown. Oddly, though, when they see a game with Michael Vick playing, they growl at the screen.

Substitute activity: Collecting football memorabilia. If you think about it, hoarding guns may stem simply from an urge to collect interesting things. Nothing sinister at all about that. Ever see anyone get busted by the Feds at an Antiques Roadshow? So, how about filling your house with reminders of the thrilling football days of yore…when they played for the glory of the game, not just for money, and the nosy news media wasn’t watching NFL players’ every move, 12 months a year, hoping to spot them doing something wrong.

4) DUI. A crime that shouldn’t happen, because there’s this useful thing called A Car Service. When you’re out partying, you simply page your car service when you are ready to leave, and they send over a nice sleek Lincoln sedan to take you home, the driver wearing a neatly pressed black suit. It makes no sense that anyone with money, celebrity or not, would be so stupid as to drink and drive. You don’t have to be the brightest cop on the force to be able to spot someone weaving along the empty freeway at 3 AM in a $100,000 sports car.

One theory about why celebrities have such a high incidence of DUI is that they desperately want to be seen driving their $100,000 sports car, so they don’t want anything to do with taking a generic looking limo or hiring a car service. The fact that celebrities crave the fawning attention from their “fans” may be why they spend so much time on the town socializing in the first place. With football players, perhaps they get lonely in the offseason, when they aren’t hearing the thundering cheers from the stadium crowd, or have reporters hanging on their every word in the locker room.

Substitute activity: Grow up.

No comments: